Dear Locker Room Lady,
I’m no Miss Manners, but after this morning, it’s time someone clued you (and your naked behind) in to the most essential of locker room etiquette.
When using communal showers at the gym, observe the Two-Shower Rule: Whenever possible, suds yourself up at the minimum distance of two showerheads away from another person. If the shower room is empty except for you and me, there is no good reason to use the showerhead RIGHT NEXT TO MINE.
Maybe I’m a prude, but the last time I let someone’s naked body that close to me, he had to buy me dinner first. If you can’t comply with the Two-Shower Rule, at least offer me a granola bar beforehand.
And yes, I know it’s been a little while since I got a bikini wax. That’s no reason for you to stare at me when you’re shaving your legs less than two feet away from me. The economic downturn has affected us all, okay? I cut back on bikini waxes and pedicures, and you obviously cut corners by foregoing towels. Really, lady? Air-drying in a public locker room? That’s bold.
Listen, I’m sure you’re a very nice person. It’s obvious you try to make friends wherever you go. As we were getting dressed, it was nice of you to show interest in what I do for a living. However, it’s really hard to talk about my work when:
A) I’m scrambling to get ready for and out the door to said work, and
B) YOU AREN’T WEARING ANY CLOTHING.
I suppose I could have been more verbal about my discomfort, but I really believed my body language gave it away. Most of the time, when I avoid eye contact and walk away, people don’t follow me. Certainly, when I’m doing wind sprints across the locker room while simultaneously trying to put on a shirt just to get away, people don’t follow me then, either. That goes double for people who aren’t wearing a single stitch of clothing. But you? Oh, no.
I’ve never seen someone so comfortable with public nudity. Were you a flower child in the 70’s, by any chance? Call me traditional if you want. But I like following social norms, like not having my nipples exposed when I talk to strangers. You, obviously, are a rebel.
I’ll just shower at home from now on.
Let yo’ freak flag fly,
Susan “She-Who-Wears-Clothes” Lacke