Let’s be honest: By January 2, there’s a reason that most people are eating cupcakes on the couch while declaring they’re not going to do any <bleep>ing hill repeats.
Written by: Susan Lacke
Every year, people with very good intentions sit down and type out a list of New Year’s resolutions. These usually consist of lofty goals like “I will lose fifty pounds” or “I will stop cursing” or “I will do hill repeats weekly.”
But let’s be honest: By January 2, there’s a reason that most people are eating cupcakes on the couch while declaring they’re not going to do any <bleep>ing hill repeats. Resolutions can be unreasonable.
I’ve only had one successful resolution, and that was to run a 5K. I’m not really sure how I accomplished that, much less let it snowball into marathons and triathlons.
I used to be one of you. I would have a self-improvement agenda that would put any episode of Dr. Phil to shame. Every year, I’d attempt to conquer my imperfections, only to fall…usually face-down into a platter of cupcakes. I’m not complaining, mind you, but a frosting-smeared face isn’t usually an indicator of success.
This year, I’ve decided to cut myself some slack. 2012 will be the year of “suggestions,” which, if followed, could lead to world dominance. But if not followed…well, whatever. No biggie. Contrary to what my handlers at Competitor think, I was never really cut out for the whole “responsibility” thing anyway.
Here’s my plan for 2012:
- Stop making stupid decisions, like signing up to race ten miles uphill, unless it involves coercing my friends to make stupid decisions, too. Note: Somyr Perry (Competitor Executive Editor), after you’re done with your first half-marathon, I’m signing you up for a full 26.2. Who loves ya?
- Eat more during long workouts and less junk after. Memo to self: Once you’re on the third cupcake, it’s no longer a reward.
- Each day, there will be at least six glasses of water consumed.
- Beer doesn’t count as water.
- Neither does coffee.
- In 2012, I will know and obey my coffee limits. One cup is nice, but two cups, and I’m apparently a labrador on crystal meth.
- If I crash at the same race, two years in a row, I will not register for a third year. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I end up pants-less and on morphine.
- I will find the perfect sports bra. Furthermore, I will wash it when I get disgusted looks from teammates.
- I will go to the gym. I WILL. Eventually. I may even use a machine or two.
- Use the word “fartlek” in conversation without giggling.
- I will continue my vigilance in reminding cyclists and triathletes to wear helmets, regardless of the dork-ish fashion implications.
- Try not to be quite as vocal about my disdain for speedwork. Oh, screw it…I wouldn’t be fooling anyone. Speedwork effin’ sucks.
- I will set aside my hatred of doping in cycling to watch the Tour de France. Mainly because I have a gigantic crush on Bob Roll. Don’t judge me.
- When my coach gives me a training plan I do not enjoy, I will not invent any malady in an attempt to get out of it.
- I will answer more of your questions. Because when y’all ask your freaky questions, I actually feel normal for once.
- I will continue my gratefulness that every week, in spite of the fact that I’m not really an athlete, you still read this column. Readers are the bomb diggity.
There. This is do-able! I have my whole year mapped out for myself…starting January 1. For now, I’ve got my beer, my cupcakes, and if my coach tries to make me do hill repeats, he can shove it until the 1st of the year. It’s not cheating, it’s just sound planning.
Good luck to everyone with everything they want to accomplish in 2012 – and see you Out There!