If I accomplish these, I’ll eat a celebratory cupcake and walk a little taller.
Now that the season of gifts and gluttony is behind us, I imagine most of us are sitting on the couch in stretchy jeggings, swearing they’ll never-ever-ever eat another cookie again.
“I’m going to be the picture of health!” we declare, pumping our fists Jersey Shore style. “In 2013, I’m going to eat nothing but alfalfa sprouts! I’m going to run every single day! I’M GOING TO DO HOT YOGA!”
When this happens, please stop yourself. Ask yourself three important questions:
1) Do I really want to eat alfalfa sprouts?
2) Is my musk acceptable for amplification in a 110-degree room?
3) Why am I wearing jeggings?
At this time last year, I wrote about how New Years resolutions can be unreasonable. They’re great in theory, but often lacking in execution. A clock striking midnight shouldn’t be a reason to declare your goals for the year, especially if you’ve been hitting the champagne pretty hard.
Instead of lofty (and slurred) goals, I’ve decided to continue with my tradition of “suggestions” for my new year. If I accomplish these, I’ll eat a celebratory cupcake and walk a little taller. If I don’t, I’ll eat the cupcake anyway. It’s a suggestion, not martial law.
Here’s my list for 2013:
* Inspired by Mo Farah’s “Mobot,” I will devise a trademark post-race celebration dance. Suggestions for choreography are welcomed.
* Thanks to my girl Chrissie, I will be appreciative of my body. This includes the body that only seems to make an appearance in race photos. (I swear, I have only one chin in real life.)
* This year, my meals will include “all the colors of the rainbow” like the nutritionists say is best. Unlike previous years, opening a bag of Skittles will be considered cheating. Tasty, fruity cheating.
* I will no longer wish my coach “death by fire” when he sends me a hard workout. There’s no reason fire should get to have all the fun, and I’m almost fast enough to catch him now. I’ll strangle him myself.
* Whenever one of my bosses e-mails me an idea, I will not respond, “but this will make me look like an uncoordinated asshole!” That ship sailed a long time ago. I will just say yes.
* I will return to Texas, where I encountered the genetically-modified Austrian man-bird who tried to kill me during a trail run last May. This time, I’m bringing reinforcements. And by “reinforcements,” I mean “human sacrifices.” Now…who’s up for a group run on May 17?!? It’ll be fun!
* Hip strengthening exercises will be performed daily, so I don’t have to endure Dr. Ball’s “I told you so” again. Because he “tells me so” through ART, it hurts, you guys. It hurts.
* I will do another Ironman triathlon. This time, it really will be about the journey, not the destination.
* I will cherish every note, tweet, Facebook message, and e-mail I get from each of my readers. Yes, even the weird ones. If I ever get the chance to hug you at a race, I will. I promise, it will be both awkward and awesome. Thank you for reading.
Happy New Year, friends!
About The Author:
Susan Lacke does 5Ks, Ironman Triathlons, and everything in between to justify her love for cupcakes (yes, she eats that many). In addition to writing for Competitor, she serves as Resident Triathlete for No Meat Athlete, a website dedicated to vegetarian endurance athletes. Susan lives and trains in Phoenix, Arizona with three animals: A labrador, a cattle dog, and a freakishly tall triathlete boyfriend. She claims to be of sound mind, though this has yet to be substantiated by a medical expert. Follow her on Twitter: @SusanLacke